10 Comments You Should Never Make to an INFJ
INFJs, also known as Advocates, are hardworking people who want to leave a positive impact on the world. They often have lofty goals and work hard to meet them. As goal oriented as they may be, they’re also highly empathetic. Their strong emotions are often misunderstood, as evidenced by insensitive comments hurled their way.
Words mean a lot to INFJs. They are typically very thoughtful about what they say, since they know just how much the wrong words can hurt. This only compounds their hurt when certain comments are directed at them, since they often wish people would approach them with the same sensitivity they offer others.
If you know and love an INFJ, it’s important to learn about their likes and dislikes. The following are ten comments you should never make to an INFJ. While some of these comments are offensive to most people, they’re especially hurtful for Advocates.
1. “You aren’t being realistic” or “That won’t happen.”
Like most introverted personality types, INFJs are very perceptive. This perception makes them particularly good at predicting how people will act or what others will do when faced with certain situations. Unfortunately, most people tend to be skeptical about the predictions Advocates offer, mostly because they aren’t aware of all the observations that contributed to that prediction.
Not only do they accurately predict how things will play out, but INFJs tend to have big dreams. They work hard to reach seemingly unattainable goals, but that doesn’t mean everyone else sees the same potential they do.
In both these cases, someone might tell them that they aren’t being realistic. When it comes to their predictions, people often invalidate those insights by telling the INFJ that things won’t happen the way they think they will.
No one likes being told they’re wrong. INFJs especially dislike being told that their dreams are too big or their goals are too high.
What to Say Instead:
• Nothing
• “That’s an interesting prediction. Why do you think that?”
• “That’s a big goal! What led you to make it?”
• “Tell me more.”
2. “Let me stop you right there” and Other Interruptions
When an INFJ speaks, they want to have the chance to finish their thought before moving on to the next topic of conversation. Interruptions, even if only to ask clarifying questions, are extremely frustrating for Advocates.
If you stop an INFJ mid-sentence to interject your own thoughts into the conversation, you may be shutting down their desire to talk to you. They need time to share their complete thought, and jumping from topic to topic means their input will be left behind.
Advocates think about a topic before offering their opinion or insight. When new topics are introduced in rapid fire succession or current topics of conversation are cut short, INFJs get extremely frustrated.
What to Say Instead:
• Nothing. Seriously, do not say anything until you’re sure an INFJ is finished talking.
3. “You really need to lighten up.”
Although they can be lighthearted and fun, Advocates tend to take themselves and the world around them seriously. They want to bring out the best in others and work hard to improve the world around them.
Because of this, INFJs sometimes come across as overly serious. They sometimes struggle to live in the moment or really let loose around others. Instead of focusing on the present situation, they’re often dreaming about future plans and goals.
Advocates know they can be a little intense. They are keenly aware that others perceive them as “too serious.” Even so, knowing people think that and hearing them say it are two different issues entirely. When someone tells an INFJ that they need to lighten up, they can feel like their feelings and goals are being invalidated.
Even when this comment is made in a good-natured way, it can cut deep. They see their intensity as one of their strengths. After all, it’s what drives them to create and reach lofty goals! So when a person tells them that they need to lighten up, they feel like a core value has been criticized.
What to Say Instead:
• Nothing
• “You’re really passionate about that!”
• “I appreciate how deeply you care about this issue.”
4. “We’re going to do things the way we always have.”
This one isn’t always said in those exact words. Essentially, INFJs hate it when their creative solutions are rejected in favor of traditional methods or longstanding traditions. Advocates work hard to come up with innovative ways to deal with repeated problems at work, at home, and in the world.
When they bring so much energy to coming up with creative solutions, it can be extremely invalidating for those ideas to be rejected in favor of how things have always been done.
We talked to one INFJ who works in a warehouse packing orders. Her company doesn’t allow people to pick items for multiple orders at once, since they feel like it can lead to mistakes. When she was reprimanded for picking multiple orders at once, she jumped into research mode.
She found that studies have shown that mistakes are actually less likely to happen because employees will be less stressed about whether or not they can get everything done. This Advocate compiled resources and wrote a lengthy letter to the company, fighting for the solution she’d found.
When things remained unchanged, it was extremely frustrating to her. She worked so hard (off the clock, even) to come up with a solution to increase productivity for the company, only to have her idea rejected because it wasn’t how things were done before.
What to Say Instead:
• “Can you tell me more about your idea?”
• “Do you have evidence that your solution will work?”
• “We carefully considered your solution, but feel like we need to stick with what we’ve been doing. Can we revisit this in three months?”
5. “You need to get out more” or “Why don’t you ever go out?”
INFJs are often more outgoing than other introverted personality types. In fact, some even call them “extroverted introverts,” although they still need plenty of alone time to sustain their outgoing natures. Like all introverts, they can be fairly talkative when they’re discussing something they love.
However, they need a lot of downtime to process their emotions and decompress from social situations. That means that after a long day of work, they’d rather spend an evening at home with a book or cuddled up on the couch watching their favorite TV show.
It isn’t that they don’t like going out, it just requires more energy than they have some days. It’s important for extroverted friends and family to acknowledge their need for alone time without criticism. Comments about how they need to get out more or questions about why they want to be alone will seldom be received well.
Include your Advocate friends in plans, but don’t be offended when they say “no.”
What to Say Instead:
• Nothing
• “Maybe we can do something next week.”
• “Is there an activity you’d like to do together?”
• “I would have loved for you to join us, but I understand your need to recharge.”
6. “You need to try harder.”
INFJs can be full of contradictions. They work hard to meet their goals, but sometimes their goals are so huge that they cannot be attained. While you may be tempted to tell them to try harder, this is a bad way to motivate an Advocate.
If you’re in a position where you’re managing an INFJ, make sure to encourage them in ways that will actually be encouraging. Instead of shaming them for what they haven’t achieved, let them know you believe in them and want to see them succeed.
What to Say Instead:
• “How can I help you attain your goal?”
• “Is there anything you need to help you get this done?”
• “What barriers are standing between you and this task?”
7. “I know you.”
No matter how well you think you know an INFJ, there’s so much below the surface that it’s impossible to know exactly what’s going on in their minds and hearts. Resist the urge to tell Advocates that you have them figured out, especially when that’s a nearly impossible task.
There was one introvert who shared with us about how one time he and his wife chaperoned a youth trip to a corn maze. She was flabbergasted when he ran up to the rows of corn and waited for teens to walk by, screaming at the top of his lungs and startling them.
They’d been married for five years and she thought she had him figured out. After the trip, he reminded her that he can’t be put into a neat little quiet, introverted box. Sometimes he did things that didn’t fit that picture.
If you love an INFJ, it’s important to remember that you won’t ever have them completely figured out. That’s even true if you are also an INFJ!
What to Say Instead:
• Nothing
• Ask lots of questions and keep learning.
• “I know you usually [reaction] when [thing that happens].”
8. “I don’t think I’ll ever understand you.”
This may seem contrary to the comment above, but it’s important not to jump to the other extreme and tell the INFJ in your life that you don’t think you’ll ever understand them. They don’t want you to assume you know them, but also don’t want you to throw your hands up and resign to never understanding what goes on in your mind.
Think about it. Would you want someone to tell you that they don’t think they’ll ever understand you? Even if it’s an honest expression of how they feel, it may feel like they’ve given up on getting to know you more.
What to Say Instead:
• Nothing
• “I have so much to learn about you.”
• “Can you help me understand why you feel/act this way?”
9. “Let me give you some advice.”
No one likes unsolicited advice, but INFJs have an especially negative reaction to it. Unless the other person has as much knowledge about a topic as they do, they don’t want that person inserting their opinion into the conversation.
If they’re really struggling and want your advice, they’ll let you know. Just because they’re opening up to you about something doesn’t mean it’s an invitation to give your input.
What to Say Instead:
• Nothing
• “Do you want my advice or just a listening ear?”
• “Is there anything I can do to help?”
10. “You need to get over it” or “It’s been too long for you to still be upset.”
While there are some personality types that can receive these comments as the kick they need to get over something that is upsetting to them, INFJs aren’t that type. It takes them a lot of time to work through things that upset them. Like most introverted types, they spend a lot of time introspectively. It’s a part of their healing process that shouldn’t be rushed.
What to Say Instead:
• Nothing.
• “Do you want to talk through it with me?”
• “How can I support you while you work through this?”